You may find this hard to believe, especially if you watch an interview with a hockey player, but the world of sports has gotten much smarter in the 21st century. We have better stat metrics to measure player value, and we can now watch nationally televised baseball without fear of Joe Morgan analyzing a game. That is some amazing progress.
But these are still sports we’re talking about, and we can never excise stupidity altogether. On a certain level, sports are a celebration of idiocy, a time when we cast aside boring things such as logic and reason in favor of good old-fashioned hittin’ and runnin’ to settle matters. You can still get away with that sort of thing in sports. Consequently, there will always be dumb athletes, there will always be dumb coaches, and there will always be dumb analysts.
So let us take a moment to tip our caps to those regressionists: 10 brave souls willing to resist the growing sophistication of sports by remaining hardheaded, mouth-breathing imbeciles. Look well upon this group, for the likes of them may not be around much longer. Probably because they’ll end up accidentally eating toilet cleaner.
Radio Refudiator: LaVar Arrington
Do you miss Emmitt Smith raping the Queen’s English by unwittingly inventing new and dangerous words on television? Well, fear not, for there are still broadcasters out there willing to debacle the language.
Take former NFL linebacker LaVar Arrington, who now hosts his own radio program in
the D.C. metro area. If you like hearing the phrase “at the same token” used without correction, Arrington’s show is the place for you! You’ll get plenty of pertinary football analysis, and the out-of-the-blocks opinions you can’t find anywhere else.
Dazed and confused: Brett Favre
You already know about Favre trying to pick up former Maxim model Jenn Sterger by allegedly sending her low-resolution photos of his wrinkled old penis at half-mast. It takes a lot to fuck up seduction that badly when you’re as rich and famous as Favre, but if you thought No. 4 was smart enough to avoid such pitfalls, you underestimate just how worthless a Southern Mississippi
Also consider the end of Favre’s playing career. After snapping his storied streak of consecutive games played with a sprained shoulder last December, Favre took the field the following week against the Chicago Bears. The Vikings were 5-8 and mathematically eliminated from playoff contention, and they were forced to play at a substitute outdoor venue due to damage to the Metrodome’s roof. The turf was rock hard, yet Favre decided to drag his ancient carcass out onto the field anyway. He was concussed almost immediately. Favre treated himself
to one more crippling head injury that night because…well, because he just loves the game so darn much. And he’s a trou-dropping idiot.
Dunce of Thieves: Cam Newton
Newton transferred from the University of Florida after getting caught putting his name on another student’s paper and getting arrested for stealing another student’s laptop. Did I mention he painted the laptop black (with real paint—you aren’t supposed to do that to a computer) and wrote his name in giant white letters on top in an attempt to disguise it? An expert maneuver.
Then, of course, there’s Cam’s father, Cecil, who allegedly solicited a bribe from officials at Mississippi State for upwards of $180,000 to get Cam to sign with the Bulldogs. When asked about the scandal, Cam feigned ignorance and said, “I love Auburn, and that’s all I got to say. God has blessed me right now…When God be blessin’, the devil be messin’.” You can almost hear the little teddy bear playing cymbals in his brain.
D.C. Dingbat: Dan Snyder
Everyone thinks of the Redskins’ owner as a petulant, spoiled, miserable little asshole. But don’t forget stupid! Let’s call him stupid too! Every year this man runs the Redskins into the ground, and every year he learns absolutely nothing from his mistakes. In fact, he finds a way to become even more hardheaded and deaf to fan complaints. “You don’t like us trading away draft picks? Well, now we’re gonna trade away more draft picks! And we’re gonna scalp a baby at halftime of every home game!”
The coup de grace came this February, when Snyder decided to sue the Washington City Paper for “defamation.” The City Paper’s chief crime? Drawing devil horns on the owner’s picture, which Snyder deemed anti-Semitic. Snyder clearly hopes the lawsuit will force other critics to reconsider before they go saying bad things about him. Luckily, truth is a defense to libel. So we say: Dan Snyder, you are a stubborn, arrogant, stupid little shit.
Ass in the Outfield: Luke Scott
Baseball players are so reliably dumb we should use them for chemical testing. Take Orioles left fielder Luke Scott, who fulfills every stereotype of a white baseball player by wearin’ Affliction shirts huntin’ deer when he ain’t takin’ battin’ practice, and rockin’ out to Nickelback. Let’s listen to some of Scott’s more recent musings: “I’m a big fan of Ted Nugent because he’s a ‘keep
it real’ type of guy. I’m Scottish; my heritage, my last name is Scott…This country is basically built on an attitude…”
And let’s stop listening now.
Bare-Naked Bozo: Vince Young
Before he was drafted, Young was rumored to have scored a breathtakingly low six on the NFL’s Wonderlic intelligence test. That turned out to be a lie. Young scored a 16 (on his second try), yet he’s spent the majority of his career attempting to live down to that six: roaming shirtless around parties, accidentally convincing loved ones he was off to commit suicide, and driving former Titans coach Jeff Fisher to the brink of madness. Young spent five years in Tennessee. In that time he amassed a QB rating of 75.7, threw for a meager 150 yards per game, and tossed as many picks as he did touchdowns. His assessment of himself after those five years? “Definitely I am a starting quarterback, an elite quarterback in the NFL.” Boy, you can really tell he never watches game film, can’t you?
$41 Million Man-Child: Albert Haynesworth
In some ways Haynesworth is a genius for fleecing the Redskins (and fellow honoree Dan Snyder) out of $41 million in guaranteed money for two rotten years on the field.
In other ways Haynesworth is still the guy who was charged with simple assault and accused of sexual assault within 10 days in February. Why he didn’t assault a third person for the trifecta is a mystery we’ll never fully grasp.
Music City Moron: NHL Commish Gary Bettman
Say, you know what city could really use a hockey team? Nashville!
Speech Impeder: Lou Holtz
How did this man win a national title? How was that humanly possible? Is it that easy to coach college football? Do you not even need to bother pronouncing every other consonant in any word you say? All you need is Tony Rice and the ability to smile like a nursing-home resident who just pissed in his overalls? How bad must Bob Davie, Ty Willingham, and Charlie Weis be not to have been better coaches than Lou Holtz?
And who was the dick at ESPN who thought it was a good idea for Holtz to give weekly pep talks on the air to teams he doesn’t coach? I could listen to a dog lick peanut butter off the roof of its mouth for an hour and take away more than I ever could hearing Holtz blurt out, “Boy, I tella what the yooniversty of Notre Dame this a proudth programth with good kidsth who play hardth!”
Statutory Stupid: Ben Roethlisberger
Even if Big Ben cleaned up his act after two accusations of sexual assault, that doesn’t mean the guy is now an active Mensa member. Last year the Smoking Gun published witness statements from the quarterback’s infamous night out in Milledgeville, Georgia. Here’s one snippet: The alleged victim was wearing a name tag labeled dtf. When asked, she said it stood for “down to fuck.” Roethlisberger replied, “I’m not down to fuck, but I like to fuck girls.” Then you are down to fuck, Ben! Do you not see that liking to fuck girls is the same as being DTF? How are those two things separate ideas in your tiny little mind? What, is your brain like a cow’s stomach,
divided into very small sections where one thought is passed onto the next chamber to be digested? This is why you threw that pick to Nick Collins, you fucking dimwit