10. University of Florida
Douchiest College, Sunburned Tits Conference
Home of: The “Tim Tebow” douche.
Douchey Affectations: Baggy cutoff camo shorts; pristine all-white Nike Air Force 1’s with ankle socks poking out just so; Tim Tebow jersey only partly concealing the rip tattoo for your homey on the upper biceps; sun-kissed hair, waxed chest; pierced tongue, or at least eyebrow.
Claim to Fame: It has a journalism school that’s not awful.
Overheard in Line at the Gator Corner: “Think I’m gonna skip class and post up by the pool and bronze out, dude. You in?”
Typical Gator Growl Itinerary: Smoke a bunch of schwaggy weed and crank the hip-hop and Godsmack on your way to the Swamp. Get so drunk on grain punch that you pass out on the grass, somewhere between Dane Cook’s act and the Steve Miller Band. Have to be carried back to some stranger’s dorm room, where you wake up to cheers from the goateed strangers who brought you home and cracked eggs in your hair and drew cocks and balls on your forehead with dry-erase markers. Watch the fourth quarter.
In Ten Years Will Be: Professional football player; professional basketball player; some rich farmer’s chosen politician, propping up land values on dying orange groves with center-right state legislation. Or managing a string of Chipotles.
Douchey Alums: Joe Scarborough, Steve Spurrier, Camilo Villegas, Erin Andrews, Gatorade.
Douchiest College, “Do They Belong to a Conference?” Conference
Home of: The “motherboard” douche.
Douchey Affectations: The deepest possible relief at being out of high school; “Speed Racer” custom Nike high-tops; T-shirts tucked into high-waisted jeans; paralyzing social-anxiety disorder, which manifests itself in spotty eye contact, an extensive action-figure collection, and a powerful yearning to be away from stupid people and back in the company of lab mice.
Favorite Pick-up Line: “Hey. You need any help with those problem sets?”
Social Media Platform of Choice: None. Facebook is stupid. Foursquare? It’s a joke. It’s not even cool technology. Plus, any idiot can hack into that shit in two seconds. Watch: You want me to steal your mom’s social security number?
Unofficial Motto: 2,620 boners waiting for relief.
Favorite Pasttime Directly Linked to That Ratio: Downloading anime bondage porn, followed by what you like to call “self-administered hand-jobs.”
In Ten Years Will Be: Pursuing an advanced degree.
In Twenty Years Will Be: Pursuing an advanced advanced degree.
Douchey Alums: Ahmed Chalabi, Paul Krugman, Carly Fiorina, John Thain, Charles Murray, a million Nobel winners, astronauts, and the “Car Talk” guys.
8. University of Delaware
Douchiest College, Large Colleges with Mediocre Sports Programs Conference
Home of: The “Tokyo Drift” douche.
Douchey Affectations: Sanskrit tattoo sleeve on right upper arm (translation, as far as you know: “Life—hell yeah!”); BassBox Pro installed in the trunk of tricked-out Scion xB; weakness for Cinnabon; rampant heterosexuality.
Spring Break Plans: You were thinking about going to Cozumel with your bros from Sigma Alpha Mu, but then one guy offered up his dad’s house in Rehoboth Beach. He has the new Xbox and an albino python that will look awesome around your shirtless neck as you walk the boardwalk.
Nonalcoholic Drink of Choice: Muscle Milk Light with ice cubes made from toxic groundwater.
Sexual Fantasy: Imagine if Transformers were real. How cool would that be? Or, like, to be Shia LaBeouf, only not as much of a pussy. And to complete the hat trick: What if Megan Fox was washing a Jeep in cutoffs? Dude!
Douchey Alums: Joe Biden, Chris Christie, Bob Greene.
7. Bennington College Douchiest College, Poncey Liberal Arts Conference
Home of: The “My parents are so rich, let’s just light this pile of money on fire and watch it burn” douche.
Douchey Affectations: Adderall addiction; on-again, off-again affair with half sister in Geneva; gray wool beanie hat; sestinas and cinquains, but mainly sestinas.
Favorite Pastime: Skipping class; writing stark, brutal short stories about blue-collar oystermen in working-class beach towns on the Redneck Riviera for whom nothing goes right and quiet desperation and methamphetamines are the only mode of coping, and they’re not to be judged for that, they’re just trying to survive; snorting good cocaine even though cocaine is “over.”
Most Popular Majors: Theatre, Creative Writing, Rehab Facility Studies.
The Bennington ConundrumWomen-to-men ratio here is 2:1, and yet there is a 47.5 percent chance that a male student will graduate from Bennington without ever having slept with a female classmate; on the other hand, there is a 22 percent chance a male student will graduate having had sex with every single one of his female classmates.
Douchey Alumn Nonpareil: Bret Easton Ellis.
6. Brigham Young
Douchiest College, Chipper White Folks Conference
Home of: The “Mitt Romney for President” douche.
Douchey Affectations: Magic underwear; extremely well-pressed, stain-resistant clothes; mini-fridge stocked with Sierra Mist; blond carpet that actually matches the drapes.
Overheard at “Mystery Dinner Date Night”: “Can I tell you a secret? I grew a beard last summer.”
Favorite Pickup Line: “Hi, my name is Bryce Young III, and I was wondering if you’d be willing to spare a few minutes of your time….”
Second Favorite Pickup Line: “Hi, my name is Bryce Young III. Will you marry me?”
Underground Campus Activity: Screening of Fantasia, followed by cuddle party, followed by communal “smoking” of bubble-gum cigarettes and eventual doffing of overshirts, followed by furtive, conscience-staining masturbation session.
Guilty Pleasures: “So You Think You Can Dance,” Glenn Beck’s novel, Mr. Pibb.
In Ten Years Will Be: White. Organized. Mormon. Possibly a professional golfer.
Douchey Alums: All the homeys up in the Celestial Kingdom.
Douchiest College, Future Meteorologists of America Conference
Home of: The “Heidi Montag Bible fellowship” douche
Douchey Affectations: Silken, natural, uniformly blond hair; cryptic messianic Jewish ankle tattoo; black cherry Toyota FJ Cruiser with surf rack on top and a Ride a Wave, Save a Soul bumper sticker on the back.
Are You Right for Pepperdine? Are you a Christian but also really want a Mercedes SLK in Caspian blue and to be on whatever the next “Hills” is called? Don’t worry. It’s all holy. Because at Pepperdine, being Christian isn’t like all about washing lepers or giving money away or whatever. It’s about the fact that God chose you to be beautiful and hairless and successful.
Formative Sexual Experience: Well, I know we don’t drink, but maybe just a sip. GOSH. GOSH, that’s good. This is Red Bull with vodka in it? That’s it? Does it make you feel powerful, too? Because I’m feeling so excellent right now. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with drinking this, as long as you don’t do it, like, all the time. How could feeling this good be, you know, bad? I think you’re beautiful. You remind me of how beautiful I am. We both have the best abs. I just want to feel you next to me… Um, that wasn’t penetration penetration, was it?
Life Goals: Stay celibate until marriage; buy a townhouse in Newport Beach; convert all gays; meet someone with the “three Hs: hot, humble, and holy.”
Douchey Alum: Rod Blagojevich
Douchiest College, Mobile App Conference
Home of: The “It’s not actually a network, it’s more of a cloud” douche.
Douchey Affectations: Because you can’t be bothered with “fashion,” you wear old Gap jeans, Havaianas flip-flops, a T-shirt with the name of an obscure tech company that ends in a y—Blippy or Swipely or Smackly or Webbly—underneath a Stanford sweatshirt. You have 17,000 Facebook friends, some of whom you’ve met before, and you plan on starting a company and getting filthy rich someday so that later you can “do good.” But, you know, first you have to get filthy rich.
Core Belief: That you are above California, even though you do love the weather.
Sexual Fantasy: I’m stalking the stage at TED, wearing a black mock-turtleneck, some skinny Diesels, and one of those creepy wireless headsets. The crowd is with me. I’m saying something about game mechanics and the social good. I’m, like, slaying the room. Then, with Larry Ellison looking on, I make sweet, public love to a speechless Steve Jobs, who is (PRETTY MUCH) A LIVING GOD, and which, by the way, does not make me gay. Then I swig deeply from a bottle of Voss water, announce my IPO, and walk offstage to thunderous applause.
Douchey Alums: Herbert Hoover, Mike Mussina, John Elway, William Rehnquist, and the biggest douchebucket of the twenty-first century, Tiger Woods (who didn’t even graduate).
Douchiest College, “Where’d You Go to College” Conference
Home of: The “Skull and Bones” douche.
Douchey Affectations: Deep suspicion that you may end up being president of the United States; outspoken pride in New Haven (many parts of which scare you); wearing your “sexual flexibility” on your boho sleeve; the belief that, despite the overwhelming odds, you are truly, truly special.
Is Yale Right for You? Are you extremely interested in being on the inside, in being wherever the most exclusive place in the world is, but also a little embarrassed about that desire? Was your dad in the CIA? Welcome to Yale, red-hot center of the secret societies: the Carillonneurs, the Lizzie, Mace and Chain, Skull and Bones, Sage and Chalice, the Dramat, Mory’s…and, of course, the chronic masturbators’ club, also known as the Whiffenpoofs!
When Asked Where You Go to College, Will Respond: “In New Haven.”
Douchey Yale Buzzword: Passion. Which is your way of feeling superior to the “robots” at Harvard and Princeton. As in, you are passionate about learning and your own awesomeness, and you love to talk passionately about how exciting it is to follow that passion at a place like Yale. And god, isn’t it amazing to be at anamazing school full of such amazing people where everyone is so happy to be there?
In Ten Years Will Be: On the fast track (to elected office, partnership, fame for something arty) while still dressing as if you were reading history at Oxford in 1946.
In Twenty Years Will Be: Bitterly disappointed that you’re not president. Or: president of the United States.
2. Penn State
Douchiest College, Belligerent Drunk Masses Conference
Home of: The “All I’ve got is college football; seriously, don’t laugh, all I’ve got is college football” douche.
Douchey Affectations: College stuff, only drunker.
Overheard at Brunch on Saturday Morning: “What do you guys wanna do today: tailgate at the game, get shitfaced, eat some pizza, and break some windows, or tailgate at the game, get shitfaced, eat some pizza, and break some windows?”
Most Popular Halloween Costumes: Joe Paterno, “baby” Joe Paterno, “lady” Joe Paterno, “hooker” Joe Paterno.
Signature College Accomplishments: Never missing a home game, never going to a single lecture, pissing for 637 seconds straight.
Most Likely to be Heard on a First Date: “Jesus, I can’t feel my face.”
The Person Expected to Magically Undouchify Everything About Penn State: Joe Paterno.
The Thing About This Magic Figure: He went to Brown and doesn’t really drink.
Douchey Alums: The NFL.
Douchiest College, Fake Ivy League Conference
Home of: The “chip on shoulder” douche.
Douchey Affectations: Wearing a forced smile that fades with each step up the frozen, wind-howling slope to classes all winter (October to May) while wondering if this is all worth it for a an Ivy League degree lots of people don’t even realize is Ivy League.
Unofficial Motto: I can tell you don’t respect me, you asshole.
If You Could Read the Thought Bubble Over Campus: You know what I’m sick of hearing? That Cornell isn’t really Ivy League! What the fuck! I paid my $160K! Don’t treat me like I went to the University of Michigan. Honestly, is it because no presidents went here? Well, choke on this, you pretentious eating-club ass wipes: Janet Reno! Paul Wolfowitz! Alan mutha-fuzzin’ Keyes (transferred to Harvard, ’70)! Is it because all anyone ever talks about is how people go to Cornell and then kill themselves? It’s a myth! Check the numbers! Or maybe you can’t because you weren’t required to take any math classes at Brown! Is it because there’s a part of the school that’s actually a state school, where you can get three faux–Ivy League credits for taking Maple Syrup Production and Beekeeping? I didn’t attend the Ag School! I took courses from famous professors just like all you non-student-loan-owing ass hats at Yale and Harvard who keep telling me you’ll keep my internship application “on file.” You know what? Keep the Penn guy’s application on file! Like he went to an Ivy League school. Oh, okay, make the hotel joke. Right, I got my degree from Cornell, and now I’m a bellhop. Hahahahaha! That’s hilarious. I haven’t heard that before. Fuck you, Columbia. Your football team sucks. Go Big Red! (Is it because our mascot is a “Big Red”?)
Douchey Alums: Andy from “The Office,” Keith Olbermann, Ann Coulter, Adolph Coors, Jr., Lauren Weisberger.